Rough time of year, yet there's all that pretty snow outside right now. Holding in one hand the dvd "Hangover 3" and in the other hand I'm looking at a self-help book about time management and confidence building. Should I go for mindless escapism or a fruitful 2 hours of reading that will make my week better?
My truck is by far the worst one parked on this block, tucked between a new BMW and another car the boyfriend said is worth 100k. Can cars really be worth that? I don't have heat, the power steering fluid leaks out every time I turn the steering wheel too hard to the right, which is everyday I parallel park, which in turn makes me fill it 5 times a week. The back is smashed in, the red tail light cover is missing to leave a bleak white light on the left rear. The defogger on the windshield doesn't work, and the radio station, set at WNYC, can't be turned or it'll never go back. And the volume will either go deafening loud, or whisper quiet with no in between.
The self help book says to take that one negative thought and list 5 positive things to cancel it out. (No, I ended up watching "Hangover 3"). Then use a creative visualization technique - form a vivid mental blueprint in which you are finishing, solving, creating, or doing that thing with ease and success.
Okay, so I can't turn off WNYC and thats not a horrible thing. I listen wearing a warm coat with a hood over my head and 99 cent black gloves that look okay, kind of like skeleton hands. The truck moves at least and gets me to Gowanus where I was teaching a music class back to Williamsburg where I live in a near-micro apartment that has the shower next to the sink in the kitchen. I can back into a pole, then continue to shift into drive without breaking conversation. Is this 5 positive things yet? This might be happily rewarding if I were still in my 20's but I've been living this way for well...a while.
My creative blueprint visualization is working finally as I'm remembering the good things of this year. The successes with my music project especially. In fact we were ON the radio, on that very one station that comes in through those tiny stupid speakers in my truck, and I was able to listen to that prerecorded show one evening while driving. Thats a dream come true.
The problem is not that I work doubles and 7 days a week, its comparing yourself to New Yorkers who have nice new tiles on their kitchen floors. Its all the "stuff" people have thats way better than mine. Deciding to be in the music business through all its different variations is a labor of love, one that will just make ends meet if you work hard enough. But I visualize myself NOT being priced out of NY daily and you know, sometimes that can drive a person to feel a little crazy. Success is not having to look at every single sale item at CTown, or never even considering the entrees at the restaurants we go to ("tacos are just fine..."). But some of this is just perceived poorness. Or is it?